


all you had to do was stay

by MythologicalHoe



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Amnesia, Anxiety Disorder, Awkward Romance, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Confusion, Embarrassment, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forests, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Rey Needs A Hug, Self-Exile, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-04 02:13:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17295752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MythologicalHoe/pseuds/MythologicalHoe
Summary: all you had to do was stay, had me in the palm of your hand..._Kylo Ren is struck down in the air after trying to hunt down Rey, he forgets everything except his real name, Ben Solo. Rey isn't thrilled about it.





	1. things to be uncovered

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I just want to tell you guys that comments really make my day, it really is the thing that helps me through each day so if you like this fic please let me know, these things are really one of the few things that make me happy on bad days

Something was wrong. When Ben Solo woke up, all he remembered was his name. Ben. It was something that was whispered in his head as he pushed himself to his feet, the feeling of soft grass underneath his fingertips. He felt hot, wearing all black and leather, that really wasn’t a good idea. There was nothing that he could do about it now. One foot in front of the other, Ben. You can do it. He looked around for a minute to see if he could find his ship, perhaps to get some clues as to why he was here or where was here in the first place. No such luck, Ben looked up and found himself wanting to throw up. 

 

Of course, he didn’t. Swallowing down his nausea and stumbling through the woods until he found a stream. He fell to his knees to get some water from the stream, but he didn’t account for the fact that he was losing blood, and fast. He fell unconscious after that. 

 

When Ben woke back up, he remembered flashes. 

 

The face of a young girl pulling him and grunting and complaining about how heavy he was, and finally waking up for real this time. There were bandages on his head and on his ribs. Everything around him was green and lush, natural light trickling in through the cave along with a babbling waterfall that fell off into a pool populated by lush flora and fauna. 

 

 “Oh, you’re awake.” A posh accent said. A girl was standing not far away from him said. “Now get the fuck out of here.” Her voice was dark, and Ben attempted to push himself up only to be met with a world of pain. 

 

“Can’t.” Was all he managed to say. She stared at him with such ferocity as she went over to him to check his bandages. She looked at him like he was a monster. Perhaps she knew who he was, perhaps he did things that were unspeakable that he needed to answer for. He didn’t know because she didn’t help him. 

 

“Fine,” She rolled her eyes, “but don’t expect special treatment.” He looked at her with blank eyes, wondering why she was being so intense. 

 

“Why would I want special treatment?” He asked. She blinked, looking over at him. There was this intense heat that seemed to bloom in his mind for the slightest of seconds. It wasn’t enough to be painful but it wasn’t pleasant. 

 

“You hit your head, pretty bad didn’t you?” She asked. 

 

“Yeah,” 

 

“What’s the last thing you remember?” She asked him. 

 

He had to search his head for a minute before saying, “There was someone over my bed, with a lightsaber going to kill me.” 

 

“Who?” 

 

“I don’t know, it’s fuzzy.” The more he was talking, the more that he was starting to feel frustrated trying to remember it. “I know that my name is Ben, and that’s about it.”

 

“Huh,” The girl shrugged, and went out of his point of view. “Interesting.” 

 

“Why is that interesting?” She didn’t answer that, seemingly talking to herself and going further and further away from him. 

* * *

  
  


“I wish that I could tell Leia and Finn about this,” Rey whispered to herself, “but there’s a reason that I left and I’m not going back to them any time soon.” She brought out a trunk of medical supplies that she had collected from scavenging the old Jedi temple that she had found inside of a cave on a now unnamed planet. She broke open the chest and took out more bandages and bacta patches, stuff that would keep Kylo Ren from dying on her. 

 

“Are you actually going to exile yourself away, after getting after me for doing the same thing?” Luke asked. 

 

“I’m not here for your opinion, I’m not a legendary hero like you. I’m not obligated to help people.” 

 

“Something’s changed. What is it?” 

 

“I’m tired of being the one that everyone just walks over because they think that I’ll forgive them. I’m tired of it, okay? People mistake kindness for the ability to take advantage of me and Kylo did that a lot. I’m not going to let that happen anymore. Not from him, not from Poe or Leia or Finn.” She rolled her eyes, “and you’re not going to stop me.” He left and she came back out. Kylo Ren had fallen back asleep and Rey found herself glad. She really didn’t want to have anymore awkward conversations right now. 

 

Rey sat down a little bit away from him on one of the benches in the main hall, staring up at the trickling light coming in, making the top of the waterfall seem to glint and gleam. She listened to the water rushing and babbling and she felt at peace at that time. Forgetting the aches in her back and in her chest that came with lugging around a very large amnesiac murderer. 

 

She drifted asleep, dreaming of when their hands touched. She had seen the two of them laughing in a forest much like the one they were in, and she kept that dream in her grasp. She wanted that sorely, but now she wasn’t so sure that she would have that, or even if she wanted to have it. After the heartbreak that she suffered, maybe she was to be alone for the rest of her life, maybe that would be easier, maybe she should get a dog or a porg and call it a day. 

 

She woke up to Ben’s screams, and ran to his side. “Wake up!” She didn’t shake him, she knew that that was probably going to hurt him more than anything. She poked through his mind and raised him back to his consciousness. 

 

“Kriff,” He muttered. “What time is it?” 

 

“How the hell should I know?” She rolled her eyes. She remembered the bottle of water clipped to her belt, unclipped it and said, “You’re probably dehydrated.” He managed enough strength to prop himself up by his elbow and drink, and then immediately laid back down after he swallowed. 

 

“And hungry,” He said. Rey had forgotten the last time that she ate. 

“Shame,” she said. “I need to get more. Guess you’ll have to wait.” 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the week was spent more or less in silence, with something brewing on Rey’s shoulders. 

 

There was an intense anger there, one that rivalled that of a Sith, but judging by her clothes she wasn’t that at all. She wasn’t a Jedi either, which confused Ben because from the flashes he had of his time training, there were two types of people. Dark and light. She seemed to be somewhere in between. That was interesting to Ben to say the least. 

He would ask her more about it later, after he figured out why she was so angry at him. He didn’t know what he did. 


	2. unaligned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people like me, when you say you've changed, the more I think about it now, the less i know, all i know is that you drove us down the road.....

The rest of the week was mostly silent, but at the end of it Rey had healed him enough for him to be able to walk around a little bit. She didn’t talk to him, she would just pull out a trunk of medical supplies, tend to his room, roll her eyes and then leave into a deeper part of the school that was as far away from him as possible. There was something in Rey’s eyes that said that she knew him, and there was something he did that made her as mad as she was. But when he had asked her about it she said that she enjoyed solitude more to the company of people, and Ben believed her. 

 

When Rey came back with a line of fish, he said, “I can do stuff to help you around here. That way you don’t have to just take care of me.” He moved to get up and then winced. 

 

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re hurt, I’ll heal you and then you leave. You don’t owe me anything that way.” He was going to open his mouth to protest, to tell her that he could do things that would prove useful to her, but something told him that she was more stubborn than he was. “You need to rest.” It was the first thing she had said to him, at least, the first thing she said in a sort of nice and caring tone. Rey had a bucket with her that she dumped her fish in. “Are you uncomfortable? I can redress your wounds right now if you need me to.”

 

“I’m fine,” He was tired of sitting out in the middle of a big, cold, cave. He wanted to get up but something told him was that that would be really stupid at the time. His stomach gurgled then. “Just hungry,” 

 

“Yeah well these will be done as soon as I can get them done. You’re not allergic to salmon are you?”

 

“If I was, do you think I’d know?” 

 

“You remember someone trying to kill you.” Rey muttered. “But whatever. Take a nap.” 

* * *

  
  


His next dream was odd to say the least. Rey was sitting across from him, but he was somewhere else. He didn’t know where though. “I never felt so alone,” She said. 

 

“You’re not alone,” 

 

“Neither are you.” Ben felt a warm feeling spread across him as they reached out to touch each other. The scene melted right before their hands connected and he saw the face of a woman he couldn’t connect a name to, but she looked familiar. 

 

“Come back to me.” She said. “Come back home, Ben.” Perhaps his mother? He couldn’t tell, but he wasn’t in the dream long enough to even be able to remember her face. It was more like a passing thought of jumbled amnesiac thoughts. That scene melted too, leaving him somewhere that was grey. It was like a purgatory of some sorts but he felt okay here. 

  
“You’ll be okay,” A voice assured him, “this is the path that you were destined to take.” 

* * *

 

 

Ben woke up to the smell of baked fish. There was a bowl waiting for him. He looked up to see Rey grabbing her saberstaff and leaving to go. “Are you going to eat?” 

 

“Not hungry,” She said coldly. She didn’t face him, and he wanted to know why she wasn’t showing her face, but he didn’t know her so he didn’t ask. She left him to eat alone. He was still wondering what he did to piss this girl off so much, and what he could do to make it better, but the thoughts about his dream seemed to circumvent all. 

 

She left without a second glance. He thought that he could hear her crying. Why was she crying? After Ben ate, he found the strength to get up and start walking. He followed the sound of her sobbing, stopping at a door close to the main hall. He thought about knocking on the door and asking her what was wrong, or trying to comfort her. He didn’t. It was pretty clear that Rey hated him, even if he didn’t know why. He would just make things worse.

* * *

  
  


 

Rey woke up in a dark room after crying all that she needed to. There were things that she didn’t want to discuss and things that would come up eventually, but she tried not to think about it. For a split second, she felt a connection to Ben when he was asleep. That’s why he saw part of her memory in his dream, because of that small moment of weakness. 

 

She wasn’t over Ben. 

 

She would never be over him but that didn’t change the fact that the man in the other room was still the same man that had made a mess of her. Ben Solo, Kylo Ren, messed her up and broke her to pieces. Being around her friends after Crait had become almost miserable, and the constant talk of needing to kill him had only made it worse for her. 

 

She had to leave not long after that. She just couldn’t stay in that environment. She wanted to leave now too. “The boy needs you.” 

 

“You are the most annoying force ghost in the world,” Rey spat at Luke. 

 

“You’ve never talked to any other force ghosts before so I’ll take that as a compliment.” That ghost would be the death of her. Rey could already see it now, and she decided that death would be more merciful than an eternity with Luke on her shoulder. 

 

“You know you’re partially to blame for this,” Rey told him, “he still remembered that you tried to kill him even though he can’t remember your face. Do you know how fucked that is?” 

 

“Ah, Rey. You still curse like a sailor, I will take the blame for that, that wasn’t my finest hour. But something changed, something I don’t know about. You need to tell me. It would be in your best interest that you do. I want to help him as much as you do.” 

 

“I want to claw my eyes out, I don’t want to help him.” 

 

“Then you could’ve left him to die.”

 

“I wouldn’t do that.” Luke gave her a look and she flipped Luke the bird. She got up then, ignoring the hunger in her stomach. She got up and walked to the main hall. Ben was staring at the bond and Rey was wondering when the last time he took a bath was. 

 

“The fresher is down the hallway to your left,” Rey shouted out. He looked almost startled when she walked out. “I’m going for a walk.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Why not?” She could feel herself getting tenser by the second. 

 

“Why are you just now saying hi and then leaving?” 

 

“Why do you care?” She huffed. 

 

“I don’t know,” Ben shrugged, “maybe it’s because you are the only person here that I can talk to and I’m invested in your company because of that.” If he was really back, he would’ve added,  _ not that your company is much in the first place.  _ “Why do you hate me?” He turned to her. Rey was glad that there was several feet inbetween them, 

 

“Not everyone has to like you, Ben.” She resisted from calling him Kylo or Solo. That would have been bad for the both of them. 

 

“Yeah but at least people have a reason,” 

 

“I haven’t talked to anyone in a year, excuse me if I don’t welcome the sight of weird bleeding guys at my fishing site. I came here to get away from people, not talk to them! I know that you want someone to talk to but I’m not your person.” 

* * *

  
  


They came to a battlefield just by themselves after Crait, and Rey was the one that was hurt this time. Kylo laughed through the new mask that he had made for himself. “I bet you’re wishing that you had said yes to me now.” Rey’s head hit the tree behind her, giving her flash backs to those days in the forest when she thought he was a monster. How easy it was back then. She coughed up blood, ignoring the crackle of his lightsaber. 

 

“Just kill me already.” She said, “I’m not going to fight you.” She lied. She knew that if he took one step closer, if he swung to kill her, he was really gone. “Or are you remembering that you’re fighting like a coward right now. I’m unarmed.” He didn’t take a step forward. Maybe he had really come here just to make her hurt a little. Maybe he just wanted to make Rey feel like he did. Well she was done with the shitty treatment. 

 

He took his helmet off. He looked tired, like he always did, but more so than before.  “Can we talk now?” He said. Rey’s ribs were aching but she was still standing. “I can heal you, you can come back with me to the ship and we can—” 

 

“I will never go back to the ship with you!” She said. 

“You promised me that I wasn’t alone,” 

 

“As did you,” Rey said, she pretended to fall to the ground, clutching a rock in her hand when she fell to the ground. It was sizeable, enough to do damage, but not enough to kill him. That was just what she wanted. “I meant it then and I mean it now,” She said, “but I’m not the only one responsible for what goes into that, you want me to be by your side I’m not killing my friends and I’m not leading an evil space org-” She pretended to be in as much pain as possible, and Kylo actually turned his lightsaber off and surged forward. 

 

“I’m going to get you to a medbay, I’m not that horrible.” That was when Rey struck. 

* * *

 

Rey went out walking quite a way into the woods, listening to the sound of birds chirping and the water rushing. She remembered all the disagreements she had had with Poe Dameron that she had wanted to voice so badly but couldn’t, and then she remembered when Kylo Ren had hurt her so bad that she was actually scared for her life, and wondered why she was letting this man into her home. They were enemies at war. Nothing more, and she was foolish to think that they had a future together. Rey walked back to the temple to see Kylo reading some old Jedi texts. He stared up at her for a minute as she got closer. “Are you scared of me?” He asked.

 

“Not in the slightest,” Was Rey’s response. “Where did that come from?”

 

“I didn’t mean to poke around in your head or whatever,” He said, “but you had unpleasant experiences with a lot of guys in your life, and I was just wondering if— because I wouldn’t hurt you. I can’t hurt you because it’s still a chore to walk but even if I could, I wouldn’t.” 

 

“Don’t poke around in my head,” Was all she said. Ben was silent for a minute before deciding it was best that he change the subject.

 

“Did I have a lightsaber on me when you found me?” Rey tried not to tense at that. 

 

“No,” She said plainly. “It might be wherever your shipwreck was but it’s not here.” She had found his lightsaber and dismantled it. Storing it far, far away from any place that he could find it. Any way to keep him from remembering who he was and subsequently killing her. “Now don’t talk to me anymore for the rest of the day, please,” 

 

“We’ve barely even talked to each other.” 

 

“I just need to think about something. Humour me,” Without another word she left Ben in the dust. 


	3. putting a piece back in

 

Rey had lit fire to some herbs and then quickly extinguished that fire, letting the smell waft through the room. The lavender and other plants involved was enough to help her relax a little, but she still wasn’t in the best frame of mind in the world. She could feel Kylo Ren stirring in her head, knew that he was awake and pacing around. He must’ve been bored, because he was just sort of going around in circles, not going down hallways or anything like that. She knew that she should probably go out and talk to him, but she really didn’t want to at this point in time. 

“You should talk to the boy,” Luke told her, “I remember how eager you were to go and save him on the Finalizer. Why don’t you do that now?” 

“I’m not sure you saw this, but he’s nearly killed me twice since then.” She rolled her eyes, sitting down on the barren ground. 

“And now he doesn’t have any of his memories.” Luke said. “Maybe if he doesn’t remember anything, you should go a little bit easier on him. Let him have a friend. Show him the way. He’ll be grateful for it. Grateful for the company, and you could definitely use it too.” 

“I don’t have to show him the way,” Rey muttered, “that’s not my responsibility.” 

“I never said it was, I’m just saying you have the power to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone. Don’t you want to try and take that chance.” Rey got up and opened the door, not wanting to really go out and visit with Ben but she did. She looked at him for a minute and he stared back at her. 

“You up for a walk?” 

“Yeah,” He said, “that would be nice. That would be really nice.” He started walking with Rey and she lead him out of the entrance. 

“Just tell me if you’re getting tired and we can head back.” She told him. That was as nice as she was able to be for the day. She looked up to the trees, and the light that shone down through it. This was why she came here, it gave her such peace to be here. Kylo liked it too, he looked like he had needed fresh air for a while. 

“Were you born here?” He asked. Rey shook her head no. She wished that she had been born here. She probably would’ve avoided all the pain that the First Order and the Resistance had caused her. 

“I was born in a place far worse than this.” She told him. “Jakku.” She didn’t know where she was born, but Jakku was where she had spent a good part of her life, so that was as good as an explanation as any other. 

“The desert island.” 

“Yeah,” Rey said. “There.” 

“That sounds rough,” 

“It was lonely,” She started walking, green moss being squished under her boots. “Really lonely.” She could feel something in Ben reaching out, searching her feelings, but she pushed it back before he could get very far.

“But that’s okay,” She said, “I guess it just sort of hindered my social skills a bit.” 

“I guess it’s understandable though, being stranded on an island filled with sociopathic scavengers and killers. I wouldn’t want to be around other people either.” Rey smiled a bit, remembering the moment when Kylo had told her that she wasn’t alone. That moment ended up being one of the smallest, but happiest moments that she had ever had in her life. “Being alone sucks,” He told her. 

“Sometimes,” Rey told him, “it really does. But once you get used to it it’s not so bad. It’s worse when you go into an open space, that’s big with nothing in it, and you just realize how small you are.” The light danced off of the trees and the more she thought about it, the more she felt comforted. “And there’s no one there to comfort you. That’s what sucks.” She walked over a log she had moved over the creek and turned back to Kylo. 

“Come on.” She said. “There’s more of a path up that way.” 

* * *

 

_ “Come back,” A young boy said to his mother. Ben looked down to see someone who looked almost exactly like him, but as a child. “Please..”  _

_ “I’ll be back.” A woman said. Ben couldn’t see her face. “But you need to go, train, be with other people like you.”  _

* * *

 

Ben blinked a few times, feeling some sort of weird feeling when he thought about the thing that he had just seen. Rey seemed confused too. “Are you okay?” She asked. “You look like you have just seen a ghost.” The creek was rushing and Ben didn’t want to say what he had saw, but a part of him realized that Rey would know if he was lying, and he didn’t know if he was a very good liar in the first place. 

“I remembered something. I think, I think I saw my mother.” Rey’s face paled and she turned back to the Temple. “Wait? Where are you going?” 

“Back,” Rey told him, “I need to meditate on something.” Ben found his feet working hard to catch up to her. Yes, she was shorter than him, but she was fast and something told him that she didn’t want to explain to him why she was freaking out right now. He found his ribs starting to hurt the faster he went, and had to slow down a little bit. Rey stopped though, noticing his pain. There was a dark look in her eyes as she came back, slinging his arm over her. “I guess you’re not as recovered as we thought.” She helped him up the steps and lead him to another room. “You’re sleeping in a bed tonight.” He sat down and was tempted to ask her why him remembering something was so bad, but he didn’t. “Get some rest,” She said. 

“Can you help me remember more?” He asked. 

“What?” 

“You have the force,” 

“So do you?” 

“But I don’t remember how to use it,” He said, “could you help me remember more?” 

“You don’t want me in your brain.” She told him. “I’m not really the healing type.” Something told Ben that she was lying. “I’d probably accidentally kill you and I wouldn’t like to have another reason to not be able to sleep at night. So, no.” She went straight for the door. 

“Then could you teach me how to find my memories myself?” He asked. 

She stopped. “Maybe.” She told him. “For now just rest, you’re still recovering from injuries after all.” 


	4. sneaking around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SoDrry for the short update, will post longer if I get 5 comment

Rey cut herself. Not on purpose. She didn’t do that anymore, but she was sharpening a spear she had made for a trap when the blade dragged across the skin of her palm, and she cursed out loud. “Motherfucker,” It seemed that as if almost on cue, Kylo appeared behind her. 

 

“Are you okay?” Rey wanted to shout and tell him no, she really wasn’t, but she didn’t. It wasn’t fair to him that she lash out so much. Instead she just stared at the blood pooling in her palm, feeling like an idiot. Maybe it was a culmination of things that lead to this, but she was tired. So, so tired. Rey started crying, and she knew that that would confuse Kylo. She knew he would be pushy. He would try and get closer. 

 

She hated it so much. 

  
  


“Shit,” He didn’t know why she was crying, but he went to find bandages before he came back to her and bandage her hand up. She pulled away from him. “Will you let me, for once?” He didn’t mean to shout, didn’t mean to make her flinch. That didn’t stop it from happening. He took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. “Come on,” He said, “let me help you. It’s the least I can do.” 

 

She lets him. Even though he thinks that she’s going to just push him away like she did so many time, she held out her hand and lets him clean the wound. Her eyes are swollen and puffy, and so are her cheeks. She swallowed harshly, staring at him with such an intensity that Ben wanted to know what she was thinking about. He didn’t want to push though. 

 

“Why don’t you hate me?” She said. 

 

“Why would I?” He blinked, finishing wrapping the bandage on her palm. 

 

“I haven’t exactly been nice to you.” 

 

“That’s okay,” He told her. “Who knows, I don’t know who I am, Rey. In my other life, I might have deserved it.” She opened her mouth to say something, and he wondered for a minute if she knew. There was something in her eyes that he couldn’t describe. She pushed herself off the rock she was sitting on and started walking away from him. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I need to breathe,” She said, “I’m going to work on some traps.” 

 

“Can I help?” 

 

“No,” She said, “let me do this by myself please, I appreciate the gesture but I can’t right now.” He lets her leave without another word. He desperately wished that there was something that he could do to help her, to ease this pain that she was feeling. But he couldn’t do anything. It made him feel more useless than anything else. 

* * *

 

He watched Rey leave, and when she was gone he just sat there for a while.  _ Come and find me.  _ That voice that was in his head most definitely wasn’t Rey’s. It was something else. It sounded like a whisper of something from the past, and it called to him with an intensity. He wandered the halls of the old Jedi Temple, pushing past cobwebs and vines trying to find that thing that was calling to him. 

 

The more he looked, the quieter the voice got.

 

Until it faded away completely. 

 

He stood in the hallway of a place he did not know, somewhere deep within the temple. There was a door, at the end of the hallway that was unlocked. He pushed it open lightly, stepping inside without giving it a second thought. It was filled to the brim with boxes, tons and tons of boxes. He knew that he shouldn’t snoop, but temptation was too much for him. He found one closest to him, and opened it. 

 

He ended up dusting off an old holopad and journal. Surprisingly the holopad was still working, and he looked through it. There were several video recordings and entries in there. He clicked on the first video, and Rey’s face glowed in blue in front of him.  _ You shouldn’t be doing this.  _ She looked tired, but less so than she did now. “Leia, Finn, I received your messages.” Finn? Who was Finn? Why did he feel jealous? Why did the name Leia sound familiar? “I wanted to let you know now that I am ceasing contact with you and everyone else.  _ Even him.  _ I want to be alone. I need some time to think for myself, and I know you’re fighting a war but I am done being the Last Jedi. I don’t want it.” The message ended. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Rey’s voice sounded like more of a defensive growl than anything else. He put the holopad down. 

 

“Rey,” 

 

“And to think I was starting to trust you.” She rolled her eyes. “Get out,” 

 

“But—” 

 

“I said get out!” The power behind her tone told Ben that he should not mess with her, especially since without his memories, she had more knowledge of the Force than him. It was the logical thing to do, and for once, he did it. She slammed the door behind him and Ben fell to the floor. He was hit by a wave of pain and fear he didn’t know how to control, for it was not his own, but he was out within a moment. 

* * *

  
  


_ Rey was screaming in the desert. She was here again, like she had never left and she was wailing. Her piercing voice shredding the ear drums of everyone within a ten mile radius. She was clutching something to her chest, black gloves and a cowl maybe. “Come back.” She was screaming.  _

 

_ “Come back,” Ben felt her loneliness. He looked back and she was a child holding a doll, her form flickering between that of a child and a young woman. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. The scene changed and Rey was landing on a planet of green. There was a Wookie next to her who looked familiar, the both of them were sad. Ben couldn’t tell why.  _

 

_ Without a word, Rey got out of the ship she was on to meet a woman. She was older and short, with kind eyes that looked like they had seen more stuff than a life time could hold. Rey tried not to cry as she hugged the woman, who hugged her back. There was a strength between the two that Ben could feel,  like they were bonded over some sort of tragedy.  _

 

_ The scene changed again, and this time she was holding the lightsaber above someone’s head. “Did you create Kylo Ren?” Something sparked in Ben. He felt nervous. Ben remembered Rey saying something about loving someone. This Kylo Ren, was that the person that she loved? Did they die? Was that why she cried all the time? _

* * *

  
  
  
  


Ben woke up doused in sweat, he didn’t know how to sort out everything that he had just seen. He just knew that he would have to ask Rey about that. If she ever let him in. Rey was above him, as if on cue. 

 

“Dinner,” She said. There was no emotion on her face as he got up and followed her. 

 

“I'm sorry,” He told her.

 

She sighed, she was either discontent with his apology or at a loss for words. He didn't know what would describe it better. 


	5. I used to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short update, sorry! Chapter six will be longer. Will update after five comments again.

Rey and Ben sat around a fire, silent for a while. Rey ate tentatively, not looking up at Ben. He decided he had to ask, even though he knew it was probably going to piss Rey off. “Who are Leia and Finn?” She tensed for a minute, still not looking at him. 

 

“You ask way too many questions.” 

 

“Is it so bad that I want to know something about you? I don’t know anything about myself, why can’t I just learn something about you.” That was when she made eye contact with them and Ben was hit with that same wave from earlier. She was just so sad. 

 

She sighed, again. “Finn was my best friend, Leia was possibly the closest thing to a maternal figure in my life.” Oh. 

 

“Is Finn the guy—”  _ The guy that you loved.  _

 

“No,” She said. “That’s someone else.” 

 

“Why did you leave?” 

 

“You’re pushing it, right now.” She told him in between bites of her soup. “Don’t snoop through my things.” 

 

“I already said I’m sorry.” 

* * *

  
  


“I already said I’m sorry,” Rey didn’t want to be on the Finalizer, but she had a dislocated shoulder and they had a better medbay than the Resistance. “I didn’t want this to happen.” Rey had almost had enough of Kylo. Almost. 

 

“I want to leave,” His face contorted, and Rey could tell that every time she said something like that she hurt him. 

 

“You’re hurt. Just wait until your shoulder is healed and you can go.” 

 

“You’re just going to keep me here,” Rey said, “you got what you wanted but I don’t want this. I don’t want to be here. I just want to leave.” 

 

“And what do you want, Rey?” He was yelling. That’s when Rey got up. “Because I thought you told me that you didn’t want to be alone. I offered you that, I offered you everything. You told me I wouldn’t be alone either.” 

 

“I never wanted power,” She said, “never cared about the force. I just wanted you.” She was pulling away from him more and more. “Just wanted someone to hold. Someone who didn’t constantly try and kill my friends. Turned out that you just ended up making me feel more lonely than I was before.” 

 

She left, nursing a dislocated shoulder and more pain than what she was used to handle. She didn’t get off the ship though. He had her arrested before then, and Rey made up her mind. She was going to stop trying to save Kylo Ren. If he really wanted to not be alone, he would have to fix himself.

* * *

  
  


“I suppose you did,” Rey said. “And I guess I should forgive you. You don’t have your memories so you’re curious.”  _ Why did you leave?  _ The question echoed in her head. It was a question she had encountered a lot, and knew she was going to get that question more. “If you really want to know why I left, it was because I got diagnosed with PTSD.” He opened his mouth to say something but Rey continued to talk despite it. “There’s been a war, and uh, I was on one side of it. Everyone looked to me because I had the Force. They wanted me to fix all their problems, they wanted me to bring people home, and they wanted me to just be this hero that I wasn’t. Because I’m not, I’m not a hero. I got roped into it, I was happy just living on Jakku waiting for my parents to come back. Now I guess I know that they aren’t and it’s for the better not living the rest of my life like that, but even then I just… I don’t know.”

Kylo reached out to her, no, this was different. Warmer and more comfortable. Ben reached out to her, and Rey remembered the way she felt when she told him about the cave. How comfortable she felt just talking, and he listened the entire time. “I felt guilty, for not being able to live up to the expectations that were set on me. I have nightmares every night, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I cry all the time at the drop of dime, there are things that trigger it of course, and I thought that being alone would help but it hasn’t.” 

 

“You’re not alone,” He told her, “not anymore.” 

* * *

  
  


Ben felt like he had said this before. Maybe he did, but he said it again because it felt right. Rey started crying again, but not as intensely as she did before. “What’s wrong?” He asked her, maybe she would actually tell him this time. Maybe he could help, because he wanted to help so badly. 

 

“The man that I loved,” She said, “He said the same thing to me. And I believed it.” 

  
  


“Is he—?”  _ Did he die?  _

 

She just stared at him, if her eyes could kill someone, he’d be a goner. “No,” She said, “I’d like to think he’s not. Not really. He’s just lost. Maybe one day he’ll find his way back to me, but I doubt it.” He probably is dead. Ben could hear her thoughts in his head. 

 

“He must’ve been lucky, if you loved him.” 

 

“You keep complimenting you and all I’ve done is push you away. Stop it, I don’t deserve it.” He could see the signs of Rey starting to develop a migraine. 

 

“Didn’t I tell you, maybe I deserve it. Maybe I was a bad person.” 

 

“That still doesn’t excuse it.” She shook her head. “I’m going to try and be nicer to you. Because you don’t deserve me being so angry all the time. You really don’t. I’ll try to teach you about the force, try and help you with your memories.”

 

“And you know you can talk to me when you’re struggling,” He said, “if you need me to back off I’ll back off, give you some time to yourself, but also I want to help. I don’t want to be a burden to you, so if you’re struggling just tell me and I can do whatever you need done. Okay?” 

 

“Okay,” Rey said, “That seems like a good deal.” 


	6. One Day It'll All Make Sense Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a lil longer but not by much, will update after five comments, the slow burn is starting to get a lil less slow lmao. Was tempted to make them kiss in this chapter but I wanted to wait lmao

 

“You look tired,” Ben said, Rey was sitting next to the pond in the middle of the Temple. She nodded, and as if on cue, yawned. “You should go back to sleep.”

“Can’t.”He sat down next to her, grimacing as he looked over at her. “Can’t or won’t.”

“Can’t. I had a nightmare.” He sat down next to her, staring at her with an intensity that she hadn’t seen in a while. Some habits never die, she thought to herself. 

“Is there anything that I can do to help? I want to help.”

“I don’t know,” She said, “if I did I would tell you.” She said, “but I don’t know.” The two of them sat in silence before Rey said, “I think that another reason I came here was because here I didn’t have to lie to anyone and say that I was okay.”  _ I have to lie now, but for a different reason.  _

“That sounds understandable,” Ben told her, “I don’t think that anyone ever really wants to admit that they need help. It’s not a fun feeling.” Something felt like it hit Rey’s gut then, just the way he said it was— “Why don’t you tell me a good memory?” He said. 

“I don’t have a lot of those,” Rey admitted. “I know that sounds really depressing, but I genuinely don’t.” Ben was silent for a minute, before he said,

“That’ll change.” 

“What?” 

“I’ll make you a deal. Try and go back to bed and get some sleep and I’ll do something for tomorrow.” Rey wasn’t sure what that meant, but she humoured him anyways, and told him that she would go back to bed for the time being. 

* * *

  
  


Ben was going to make her dinner. He got all the things he needed to make a makeshift picnic, but when he felt that same pull to the room that he had been in, he didn’t resist it once again. This time, Rey wasn’t there to kick him out. He went to the same holopad that was evidently hers, reading some of the messages. 

 

_ I tried calligraphy for the first time today, to try and do something that he liked. I wasn’t very good. I tried.  _ Was the first entry that was in there, something about it made Ben smile. There were faint traces of a memory there. Ben remembered the scratch of pens on paper, the smell of ink, the sounds of training in the background. He remembered peace, and he remembered being focused. 

 

_ Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice, not going with him, but I don’t think that I can go back.   _ There was a jolt in his brain, like some sort of painful memory coming back to haunt him, a hand outstretched, tears streaming down cheeks. He couldn’t see faces, make out names. “Don’t go this way,” 

 

“You’re still holding on.” 

 

He let go of the holopad and got up. He felt sick. Ben found himself going outwards and closing the door. He didn’t want to see this memory, he didn’t want to be anywhere near it. Ben went back out to his room and fell asleep. 

 

* * *

 

Rey woke up way too late. Dinner was about ten minutes out and she walked out to see Ben getting everything ready for a picnic. “Hey,” He said, “are you okay? You’ve been asleep all day.” She smiled a little as she looked at the blanket and candles he had put out. He really had put some effort into this. 

“Yeah,” She said, “I didn’t think that I would sleep so late though.” She felt better, a lot better than she had in a long time. “Sorry about that.” 

 

“No problem,” He told her, “gave me a chance to try and make dinner several times before I actually got it right.” He served fish on some platter for the two of them to eat. Rey sat down on the other side of him and waited for him to start eating before she also served herself. She hadn’t noticed that she had eaten the majority of the food until the platter was cleaned of everything. 

 

“Sorry,” She said, “I didn’t think that I was so hungry.” 

 

“It’s fine,” He said, “I can make more if you need me to.” 

 

“I’m good,” She was smiling, more than she had in a while. “I’m really good actually.” 

 

“That’s good.” He was smiling too, and it was so so stupid, how she fell into that trap. 

 

_ I have never felt so alone.  _

_ You’re not alone.  _

_ Neither are you.  _

 

“You know,” Rey said, “maybe you were a chef in your life. Because that was really good.” He smirked, and Rey felt herself hating how she was letting him in. 

 

“I doubt it, but thank you for the compliment anyways.” The two of them were silent for a minute before Ben said, “I’m not sure that I want to find out what happened in the past.” He told her. “I just don’t think that it would be good for me,” 

 

Rey felt a little bit of the happiness she had felt go away. “Why?” She asked. 

 

“I feel like I was a bad person,” He told her, “I feel like I hurt the people I cared about a lot and I just don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to hurt the people I care about.” 

 

“You can’t not hurt the people you care about if you don’t know who they are, Ben.” She sighed. She felt tired. “And you certainly can’t do that even if you know who they are. Everyone hurts everyone, that’s just how the galaxy works. What’s important is how you make up for the mistakes that you made in the past. Don’t let the past die, but don’t let it control your future.” She put her hand over his and he blinked, staring down at it. “I can tell you for certain that I have hurt the people I cared about,” 

“Leia and Finn.” 

 

“And others.” 

 

“Who are the others?” 

 

“Kylo,” 

 

“Is he—?” 

 

“Yes,” She said, “that was him.” She was so close to him right now, staring at those lips. She wanted to kiss him so bad. She had for a long time. “I don’t think that he loved me in the same way I loved him, I think that he just wanted an excuse to keep hurting himself. I think that he didn’t want the same things I want, and even though I will always love him, I had to let him go because of that.” 

 

“Did he hurt you?” 

 

“We hurt each other,” 

 

“Would you take him back?” 

 

“I would.” She said. “But some people don’t come back. And I wouldn’t hold it against him if he did, I would just meet him in the next life and tell him that it was okay. Because honestly, I think the one person I can’t stay mad at even when I try is him.” 

 

Ben went silent after that. Rey wondered why. 


	7. Two Truths and a Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was uhh gonna make this a fluffy chapter but uuh sorry uuh wastngkjgnkgnkjerkgjn I actually am gonna shorten this fic but uuuuuuuuh enjoy
> 
> Anyways, I'll update after five comments. Thank you guys for reading!

 

Rey never had times to make stupid decisions. Rey had found a pint of whiskey tucked away within the temple. Despite her better judgement, she popped it out and presented it to Ben during dinner. “Look what I found.” She smirked, getting even more amusement when he raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Are you even old enough to drink?” 

 

“I’m twenty one in three months,” She stuck her tongue out at him, “not that that matters. Will you have a drink with me?” 

 

“Of course,” He said. 

 

That was a bad decision. 

 

“So, truth or dare.” Rey was a little bit tipsy. And bored. That was never a good mix. 

 

“What? Truth or dare. Pick one.” 

 

“Dare, I guess.” 

 

“Mm, I dare you to—” She hesitated. “Fuck I don’t have a good dare.” 

 

“Let’s play something else then,” 

* * *

  
  


“Two truths and a lie.” Ben started. He was a little bit tipsy and Rey didn’t look like she really wanted to play. They do anyways. 

 

“I’ll go first.” She paused, thinking of something to say. “The first friend I ever made was a droid, my parents traded me for drinking money, I’ve had four boyfriends.” He knew which one it was instantly. 

 

“The lie was that you had four boyfriends. Definitely.” 

 

“It’s depressing that you called that so soson.” 

 

“My turn,” Ben changed the subject. “I like eating fish, I really enjoy being around you, and I want to get my memories back.” 

 

“You really like being with me. That’s the lie.” Rey hiccuped. Ben felt so sad at that point. He wished that he could hug her at that point.

  
  


* * *

 

“Why do you think that’s the lie?” 

* * *

  
  
  
  


“My turn,” Rey changed the subject this time. “I kind of want to kiss you right now.” There was a pause. She didn’t say anything after that. “That’s a truth by the way.” She looked down, and wouldn’t meet Ben’s eyes. It took him a minute to realize that she was being serious. 

 

“You should do it then.” He was drunk. He wasn’t thinking. Neither was Rey. She kissed him. It was a fleeting and nervous kiss, one that showed her inexperience. But that was okay, for all he knew he was inexperienced too. She stared up at him, her eyes wide. “I think I’ve had enough for tonight.” Ben told Rey. He got up and left before he could see Rey’s reaction. He didn’t see Rey sitting alone, starting to cry. He didn’t know how lonely she had been when he left her. He was leaving her again. He didn’t know. 

 

Rey was drunk and sad and she only had herself to blame that night. What she wasn’t to blame for were the things that happened afterwards. 

  
  


* * *

 

When Ben woke up, he came to the realization that Rey might know something about his past that she wasn’t going to tell him about. This suspicion was only confirmed by the presence of a familiar ghost. One that he couldn’t quite place a name with until he told him. Luke. 

 

All the sudden, he felt a jolt of fear and pain go through him as a memory was placed back together. The one that tried to kill him. Luke. Luke tried to kill him. He felt like he was going to throw up, moving backwards in his room. He didn’t say anything. “Interesting.” He said. “You’re getting your memories back without the Force.” 

 

“Get away from me.” He said. 

 

“I wanted to talk to you,” He told Ben. “Without Rey’s knowledge because she’d come back to the afterlife and kill me again.” 

 

“How did you die? Nevermind, I don’t care. You tried to kill me and—” 

 

Luke held his hand up like he had heard this before, “I made a mistake and I’m sorry for that. I want to help you now. Before you get your memories back and make a mistake that you’ll never be able to take back.” 

 

“What mistake?” 

 

“Hurting Rey,” What did Ben do in his past life that made Luke think that he would do such a thing? Even if she was lying to him about his past. “You may not think that you’re going to do such a thing now, but I need to remind you that she’s in a sensitive place, and it’s selfish of her to not tell you what she knows. But you need to be understanding of what’s going on.” 

 

“Says the person who tried to kill me,” He couldn’t remember all the details of why, but either way this man was his uncle, so there was really no excuse for that. “While I was sleeping.” 

 

“Like I said, I made a mistake. A big one, but you can be better than me.”

 

“Can you tell me who I am?” He knew who he was. He knew him. 

 

“No,” Luke said, “you need to figure that out for yourself.”  _ Come here.  _ Something was calling to him and he wasn’t sure what. But he got up, saying that he was done with this conversation. The main room of the temple was empty and he went back to that room. That call was stronger than before.  _ Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here! Come here boy!  _ Someone was shouting in his head. The shouting was so loud that Ben had to stop and gain his footing. His head was pounding, the pull was still luring him into that room. He went back, going into that room. There was something pulling him in. “I wouldn’t do this.” Luke said. “If I were you, I would just walk away.” 

 

“You said that I needed to find out for myself.” 

 

“The way that you’re going to find out won’t bring you the full picture. It won’t give you the good. Only the bad.” Only the bad. What if there was only bad? Ben dismissed Luke, he had tried to kill him after all, why should he listen to what Luke said? He walked forward and rifled through the boxes. It seemed like he was at it for hours before he got to the last one. He knew what it was immediately. 

 

A disassembled lightsaber. 

 

The last piece of the puzzle. 


	8. Delaying the Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where the angst begins, and maybe, just maybe, they will be able to find each other. 
> 
> Will update after five comments, if you know someone who likes amnesia fics, please share.

**  
**

Rey was out in the forest fixing her ship when Kylo Ren awakened. Something she knew was going to happen. She kicked herself for kissing him, for letting herself be so foolish, but she knew that even if she hadn’t done that the return of him was inevitable. Rey was far enough away from the temple that it would take at least six hours for him to get to her, so she had a little time. The first thing she fixed was the comm. Kylo Ren was angry. He was really angry. But there were still chunks missing in him. The good parts. Once she fixed the comm she set it to the frequency Finn or Poe was always on and turned it. “Hello? Hello? This is Rey, Finn? Poe? Are you out there?” Silence. “I’m alive and I need someone to answer. Please answer?” 

“Rey?” A feminine voice said. 

“Rose?” 

“Hey, Finn went to the bathroom. Where have you been?” She hadn’t talked to someone besides Kylo in so long. “You left us without a word, we thought that you had—” When Rey had left she was suicidal. Finn knew. Poe knew. That means Leia and Rose must’ve assumed the same. 

“I know,” Rey said, “and it was stupid of me to not tell you where I went but I just, I couldn’t continue in the war.” 

“The war’s done, Rey. There’s some stragglers left but Hux is dead. We were chasing down Kylo Ren and thought we shot him down but no one could find his body.” 

“Because he’s here,” Rey told him. “He lost his memory for a while and I didn’t want to tell him who he was. I thought that maybe I could get Ben back this way but he remembered and I need help. He’s mad and he’s going to be coming for me once he gets on my trail.” Six hours away. Rey had six hours. 

“I will. I’ll alert the Resistance. Leia will want—” 

“I can’t right now, Rose. I can’t. Please just do as I ask.” She turned the comm off before Rose could say anything else and kept working. She had to get this thing going. She didn’t know how mad she had made him. 

“Alright, Rey. But you know that you’re going to have to tell everyone why you left.” 

“You know why,” Rey said, “I thought that I could die here. Turns out I didn’t and when you guys shot B- Ren out of the sky he lost his memory and came from me. Now please, just tell people.” 

“Is that Rey?” Rey threw her comm before she could hear Finn more. Six hours. She had six hours. 

* * *

Three hours. She could feel his rage. He could feel how he thought that she abandoned him. He was seeing red right now and Rey couldn’t blame him for that. It was now that Rey realized that she had left her lightsaber back at the temple like an idiot. She kept working on the ship. The sun was starting to go down and she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to work for much longer. She needed to get to a tree, climb high and use the foliage to hide. 

_ I’d still find you anyway.  _

* * *

Two hours. 

Rey realizes that this thing isn’t going to fly, but the guns are working. She sets them to scan for lifeforms and sets to stun and then makes a run for it. Even in the dark she knows how to move throughout the forest. She’s been here many times. 

She feels sick thinking about Ben though, about how betrayed he must be, about the good that was missing in his memory still. He had all of Snoke and little of Rey. Just the times where blood was bad between them. She hated it so much.

_ If you hated it so much, why didn’t you just come with me?  _ Rey closed the bond in an attempt to keeping him from learning where she was. She needed to wait until the Resistance was able to come rescue her. Something to her that she was going to have to wait a rather long time though. 

Rey had gotten about four more hours away from him when she climbed a tree. The foliage was thick and could mask her in the darkness. She climbed and climbed and climbed until she was high enough where she probably could have broken every single bone in her body if she fell. Still she found a tree limb thick enough to climb onto and lay back on. She had to be smart though. Rey unlooped her belt and the cloths that she had used for armguards that hid her scars and tied them together. She looped them around the limb loose enough for her to be able to break free if Ben caught up to her but tight enough to keep her from falling. 

That’s when it hit her, just how tired she was. She hadn’t been this tired since she had first left the base, broken and all over the place. She had been ready to lay down and just accept the fact that she would never get up. And then Luke visited her. “You need to keep moving until the Resistance can find you and extract you. Leave him here.” 

“No,” Rey shook her head, her eyes fluttering, aggressively trying to stay awake. “No, I’m not leaving him. Not again.” 

“Are you sure about this, Rey?”

“I am.” 

“Well I commend you on your stubbornness. May the force be with you, and get some sleep Rey.” Rey tried her best to sleep that night. She was pretty sure that the best of the sleep that she got was because of the fact that she was exhausted. She could feel his rage there, just getting louder and louder in her brain. When she woke up she knew he was coming for her. 

She wouldn’t be able to delay the inevitable forever. 

She would have to face him once again. 

And she didn’t want to fight him.


	9. Seeing Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAH OKAY WOW UMFUCK HOPE U LIKE
> 
> UPDATE AFTER 5 COMMENTS

Kylo was seeing red. He was in pain from the betrayal that he felt from Rey. She had lied and lied and lied to him. He was going to find her and he was going to get answers from her as to why she did such a thing. Snoke burned in his mind, pushing him on and telling him how weak he was. He trusted somebody that he shouldn’t have trusted and now he had to end this. 

 

This had to end. 

 

He was hot on Rey’s trail, but he was getting winded already, his ribs reminding him that they had been broken not too long ago. The forest was unbelievably cold and lonely, every once and a while he heard a noise or rustle, but when he turned on his lightsaber that noise went away. Something pushed at his mind, something that wasn’t Snoke. It was warm and welcoming but strong. So, so strong. It pushed down his walls and all the sudden he saw it. 

 

_ “I never felt so alone,”  _

 

__ _ “You’re not alone.”  _

 

__ That memory was something that wasn’t quite happy to him but it wasn’t bad either. When he built the lightsaber and it had crackled back to life, that was something that it had failed to plant back in his brain. But that wasn’t it. There was more that hit him like a train. ,

 

_ “I think my son can come back.” Leia had told Rey. “I have faith in him,”  _

 

__ _ “So do I,” Rey said. She smiled at Leia and then looked off to the side. She was staring at him. “He’s just lost right now.” _

 

__ Kylo tried to push away the memories that were coming at his brain and keep going. Rey was probably lying again. Planting fake memories in his brain to keep him weak and away from her. She wouldn’t make that mistake again. 

 

_ “You know,” Rey said, “we really have to stop doing this to each other.” Both Rey and Kylo were bloody and bruised, sitting at opposite sides of each other in some sort of cave. “Going around in circles, nearly killing each other but never being strong enough to do it. We have to find a point where it stops.”  _

 

__ _ “I can’t kill you,”  _

 

__ _ “I know,”  _

 

__ _ “I wish I could, for a while I tried to convince myself that I could but I really can’t. It’s too much. I can’t do it.”  _

 

__ _ “I can’t kill you either,” Rey said.  _

 

__ _ “Why’s that? You still holding on to the thought that I might come back to the Resistance and be the hero that you think I can be.”  _

 

__ _ “No,” Rey said, “I’m not an idealist anymore.”  _

 

__ _ “Then what’s the reason.”  _

 

__ _ “What I saw, I saw us a long way away from the Resistance and we had a home. A home where we were both happy.”  _

 

__ Kylo’s heart pulled at that. He remembered that now. It was a naive sentiment though. He had something that he had to finish now, and he wasn’t going to back down. He walked through the forest for about four hours before Luke showed up again. “You’re not helping by being here.” Kylo hissed at Luke. He tried to push past, maybe Luke would just go away that way. “Go away old man.” 

“You know that I can’t do that kid,” He said. 

 

“You’re trying to protect the girl.” He laughed, “It’s pretty funny. You were always interested in protecting people but you never tried to protect me. Just tried to murder me in my sleep instead.” 

 

“No, this time he’s trying to protect you.” A familiar voice said. Kylo felt something in his stomach drop as he turned around to see the face of someone he didn’t think he would ever get the chance to talk to again. 

 

“Grandfather,” 

 

_ Let the past die.  _

 

__ _ Kill it if you have to.  _

 

__ “Don’t make my mistakes, kid.” 

 

“Everything I did—” 

 

“It wasn’t me who encouraged you, that was Snoke.” There was silence between the two of them. Kylo didn’t know how to react. He guessed that perhaps he should have suspected that. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt though. “Your grandmother, Padme. She was a lot like Rey. She was stubborn and complicated and beautiful, she was my bit of light. Then I lost her because I chose power and anger and the dark side.” 

* * *

  
  


Twenty minutes. 

 

Rey’s feet hit the ground running as she mentally kicked herself for sleeping for so long. She woke up when she felt him. He must’ve passed her ship at this point without suffering gunfire from the turrets. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
“You don’t understand. She lied to me.” 

 

* * *

 

A tree came toppling to the ground and Rey skidded to a halt. He was right behind her. She raised her hands up in surrender. “Stop running.” Kylo sounded winded and impatient, like this was still taking more effort than he thought it would. “There’s nowhere else to go.” Rey still didn’t turn around. She didn’t know if she could take looking at him right now. Facing him was something she still hadn’t quite prepared herself for. 

 

“Right,” She said, “whatever you want.” She was out of breath too, and not in anyway prepared for a fight. She didn’t want to fight him. 

 

“Turn around.” He ordered. She did as he asked and stared at him for a minute. He looked so hurt. It was clear that he hadn’t gotten sleep in a while. Dark circles under his eyes and sweat forming at his brow. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. There was a deafening silence between the two of them as he raised his lightsaber to her neck. She knew that he wouldn’t use it on her. Kylo was unpredictable, but not when it came to her. She couldn’t kill him and he couldn’t kill her. 

 

“Can you put the saber down?” She asked. 

 

“Why? So you could just run away again?” 

 

“No, so you don’t cut my head off.” She retorted sternly. “I won’t run if you don’t give me a reason to run again.” The leaves fluttered around them and fell down. If it was any other normal day it could have been beautiful. Maybe Rey and Ben would have been having a picnic and laughing about stupid things. Trying to forget the sadness that plagued the both of their past. Kylo sighed, dropping the lightsaber to his side. 

 

“Fine.” He said. “But I want answers.” 

 

“About what?” She said. “You have the lightsaber, you got what you wanted. You got your memories back.” 

 

“Why did you lie to me?” 

 

“It’s not like I had a choice!” She said. 

 

“Yes you did! You did. You always have a choice, Rey. You chose to keep me weak because of some sick fantasy you had of fixing me.” 

 

“Or maybe I was scared of getting murdered!” She shouted. “You nearly killed me a few times, you know that right? And I know I gave you that scar but I also tried to help you. What do I get? I get the blame from everyone else that I didn’t just finish you off and blame from you for supposedly leaving your side.” He ignited his lightsaber and charged for her. Seeing red. Rey was quick, using the force to swing a large branch down at him and throw him off balance long enough for her to set off running again. She told him that she wouldn’t run if he didn’t give her a reason to. He most certainly did. 

 

This time she hadn’t lied to him. 

* * *

  
  


Poe Dameron and Finn were the first of the Resistance on the ground. They were the first of the Resistance to find the temple and find Rey’s lightsaber. Kylo and Rey were nowhere to be found. “Oh gods,” Finn said, “I hope that we’re not too late.” 

 

“Relax, buddy. Rey can handle herself.” 

 

“If she’s having to deal with that maniac without her lightsaber, I just — that’s not going to be a fair fight.” 

 

“We’ll find her.” Poe promised. “And him.” 

 

They looked around, seeing all the slash marks on the walls of the temple. A trademark of Kylo Ren’s tantrums. “Leia wants us to bring him in alive.” 

 

“Yeah, I think she knows that the only alive that we can bring him in on is basically brain dead if she doesn’t want him to be a danger to everyone.” Poe said. “We need to just focus on Rey. And remember when we find her, she might still be dealing with the things that she was dealing with when she left.”  Finn shuddered, remembering when he had heard Rey start to cry at night. She would walk around away from everyone else and randomly just break into tears. 

 

Then random scars began to appear and she would always make excuses. Rose was the first one who said something to her. Told her that maybe she should talk to someone, tried her best to push her a little to get the help that she needed. Finn never tried to talk to her. He didn’t want to press her because he knew that she was heartbroken. 

 

He hated himself for it every day after she disappeared. He thought that for sure she had gone somewhere and offed herself, went away from everything to try and spare them the pain, because even then Rey had thought of everyone else while she was dealing with this immense pain. To think that she might still feel the way she did when the war was still going on made him feel sick. “We’ll help her. Get her a therapist and things.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, “we will. Just needed to see if you would be prepared for the fact that she might not be that ray of sunshine that she once was.” 

 

“Yeah,” Finn told him. “Personally I wouldn’t blame her if she never got back to that. I just want to know that she’s safe. Asked her if there was anything that I could’ve done as a friend to help.” He started to follow the path of the destruction out into the trees, Poe right behind him. There were Resistance ships above the planet organizing backup right now, ready to descend upon the planet within the hour. “I think I found the trail.” 


	10. Back To The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll update after 5 comments

Both Rey and Kylo had seen the ships in the sky. The Resistance was here. Rey could feel the betrayal on Kylo’s end. She had no choice. She had to get off this place and as fast as possible.  _ Always choosing the Resistance over me.  _ “I shouldn’t have to make the choice between my friends and you.” She said aloud. She was near a waterfall now, staring at the glassy water that was undisturbed. She had started making a slow circle back to the temple, although she was about twenty hours away right now. She knew that he was close by.  “That’s shitty and unfair of you and you know that. You know that for a fact,” She turned around to see a dark mass behind the trees a little further up the shoreline. He was staring at her. “So blame me for everything else. That scar on your face, you losing the war, you being weak, but don’t you dare blame me for trying to protect the people I love.” 

“Once I thought that you might love me,” He told her. Rey leaned down to the bank, where pebbles and sizable sharp stones with moss that almost looked blue, picking one up. “I guess that I was wrong.” 

 

“You really weren’t.” 

 

“You left me to die.” 

 

“I clipped your lightsaber back on your belt before you left, that way if Hux tried to shoot you you had a chance to immediately defend yourself, and I made sure that you were still breathing when I got up. I couldn’t just stay and have you in the Falcon with me like that. You would’ve tried to kill Chewie and me.” 

 

“Nice to see that you think so low of me.” He hissed. He came out of the darkness a little, and Rey had to remember to breathe. She kept thinking of Takodana, of worse times. In through your nose, out through your mouth. She repeated this several times as her eyes began to twitch a little. It was at this time that she also remembered all the times she was having panic attacks on the Resistance base. How she had learned how to function through them. 

 

She clenched her fists into balls and talked slowly. “I’m just telling you the truth, you weren’t in the best state of mind.”  _ I’m not in the best state of mind. I need you. I need your comfort.  _ “You tried to have me shot out of the sky. You said that you would destroy me.” 

 

“You did the same to me. You destroyed me.” 

 

“How?” She shouted. She actually saw him flinch. After all this, he was the one that was startled by her reaction. Rey’s grip on the rock tightened. “I destroyed you! I destroyed you!” She was inches away from him now. She couldn’t deal with it anymore. “Why can’t you see that you were already destroyed?” 

 

“I wasn’t destroyed. I was perfectly fine when things were simpler.” 

 

“You were in conflict every day, manipulated and tortured by a creature. You were not fine when things were simpler.” 

 

“Don’t talk about—” 

 

“Snoke is dead. You killed him because you knew that he was destroying you. He would’ve destroyed me too.” Two centimeters away from him now. There was an energy between the two of them that was so dark, and it just intensified with each others anger. A fight broke out, but Kylo didn’t use his lightsaber. He swung at Rey and she brought the rock down on his head. It was more of a half hearted gesture. A warning, because while it did hurt, Kylo knew for a fact that she could hit a lot harder than that. 

 

They went tumbling back into the water, disturbing it. It was icy and cold and Rey was reminded of the fact that she barely knew how to swim. She cried out as they went under, and kicked at Kylo.  _ I am one with the force and the force is with me. I am one with the force and the force is with me.  _ She managed to get back to shore a minute before Kylo got back up. 

 

They started the dance that they did in the forest, fighting in a graceful yet brutal dance. Rey moved through the forest, getting closer and closer to the temple. It took a while, but eventually she was sure that she heard some people talking. That’s when Rey screamed at the top of her lungs. She was sore and bruised and ready for this all to end. “Really?” Kylo seemed so tired, like he didn’t even know why he was chasing her anymore. 

 

“I can’t do this.” She said. 

 

“Not anymore. Not with you.”  He stared at her. 

 

“Why did you lie?” He asked again. They were coming straight for them. “Was it to keep me weak?” 

 

“Can’t you get it through your thick skull that I might have love for you? That I wanted to try and figure out what was best for you even though I was so fucking pissed because you had left me.” 

 

“No, that’s not what—” 

 

“You left. You chose power over me. I never wanted power. Just you. When you didn’t have the memories of being Kylo Ren you were happier. More at peace. All I ever wanted to do was see you happy.” 

 

“Kylo Ren, put your hands up in the air!” 

 

“Do as they say,” Rey sighed, “the war’s over. Let’s just stop fighting.” 

 

Surprisingly, he did what she asked of him, setting his lightsaber down and kicking it over to her. He put his hands above his head. “Get on your knees!” He did. He looked so, so tired. Poe came around the corner and cuffed him. Rey could feel the wound that hit his pride with that, but he just stared at her. Poe was saying to do things and he still wouldn’t say anything. More Resistance people came around the trees, and Rey wondered if she could just slip away. There were too many people around. 

 

“Rey?” 

 

“Finn.” She turned around. She didn’t run towards him. She stood still in her place. “You look good.” 

 

“Yeah,” He walked forward to her slowly. “You too. Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” 

 

“Not too much.” She said. “Nothing I couldn’t handle.” 


	11. Welcoming committees aren't always nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update after five comments. If you want to share with someone you know likes amnesia fics, that'd be great. Also I'm planning on writing an amnesia rey fic after this. If you think that'd be cool, subscribe to my page so you get notifications of when I put that up!

The ride back to the Resistance was filled with hugs and silence. Rey didn’t want to talk. She knew that she owed it to everyone to tell them why she had gone, to reassure them that it wasn’t there fault, but there was nothing more in the world that she wanted to do right now other than cry and go to sleep. Also see how Kylo was doing. He wasn’t going to talk to her though. She was pretty sure that he was never going to talk to her again. “Hey,” Finn sat down next to Rey while Poe and Rose commanded their ship. “We’re going to be at the Resistance’s new place in a bit. It’s pretty neat. I think you’ll like all the ships that you get your hands on.” 

“All the people there,” Rey didn’t want to seem standoffish, but she really wasn’t looking forward to that.

 

“Hey, you did nothing wrong, you know that right? No one’s judging you for what went on. There was a lot of pressure on you.” A lot that she should have been able to bare. They needed a hero.  _ Don’t put that on yourself.  _ Kylo reached through the force, despite the force dampener handcuffs that were placed on him. His voice was a lot weaker in her head than it normally was.  _ You really don’t owe any of us anything. You don’t have to save me. You don’t have to save them. You don’t deserve that.  _ “I wish I had been a better friend and just knew when too much was too much and tried to help you. I really wanted to help you, you know that right?” 

 

“Don’t blame yourself,” Rey said. “I wasn’t really an open book I just sort of held everything in.” 

 

“Well you don’t have to do that anymore.”  _ You never should have had to feel that way. I’m sorry for making you feel that way.  _ “You can tell me everything if you want, you know that right. I’m here for you. I always will be.” 

 

“Thanks, Finn.” She said. “Really. I just. I need time to process everything before I get back into the swing of things. I haven’t really talked to people in a while, you know?” 

 

“Yeah,” He said. She couldn’t tell if he was hurt or not. “I’ll let you rest, okay? We’ve got a lot going on.” 

 

“Tell me about it,” Rey said. She laid back on her cot and thought about Kylo. He was locked in the storage room right now and he didn’t seem to try and be getting out in this moment. She wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him right now, but she knew that Rose, Finn, and Poe wouldn’t like that. She stayed where she was.  _ I’m sorry for lying.  _

 

_ You were right. I was happier.  _

 

_ But I still lied.  _

 

_ Can I be honest? If I was in the same position I probably would’ve lied too. It’s a chance to start a new. To forget all the mistakes that I made. I’m not sure that I want to remember them now, that I have those memories back.   _ Rey remembered the night she kissed him. She wondered if he thought walking away from her after that kiss was a mistake, even though their kiss had been extremely awkward.  _ Yes, that was a mistake. I should’ve stayed. Not asked questions.  _

 

_ Would you… someday like to finish what we started?  _

 

He was silent for a long time, and Rey was starting to nod off to sleep when he said.  _ I don’t think that I deserve that chance anymore, Rey.  _ If Rey wasn’t exhausted, she would have protested. She would have told him that that was such a stupid notion, but her whole world plunged into black. When Rey woke up, they had landed, and Poe was holding Kylo by his cuffs. Kylo was grimacing. “You know,” He told Poe, “remember when we used to be friends.” 

 

“That didn’t seem to stop you from torturing me,” 

 

“It was nothing personal,” Kylo said, “well actually it was, considering that you didn’t protest when Leia sent me away and then you just accepted the fact that she used you as a replacement, but I guess that that’s in the past now.” 

 

“You know they’re going to sentence you to death, right? This whole bullshit tough guy act shouldn’t work.” 

 

“Enough.” Rey was nauseous. “The both of you are making me sick.” She said. She got up from her spot and walked out before the two of them. She turned back to Kylo. “You’re not going to be snarky, you’re going to behave or so help me god I will just leave you here and never look back.” She hissed. She didn’t mean it though, she never could, and Kylo knew that. He knew that well. He just rolled his eyes as Rey looked back to Corellia. It was beautiful and had way too many people bustling around. She found herself missing her old place. 

 

There was nothing she could do about that right now. 

 

_ In through your nose, out through your mouth _ , Rey. “You look sick.” Kylo hissed at her. She didn’t reply. She just kept walking. She didn’t want to see Leia right now. Not of all times. But she knew that she would see her soon. Would she be happy that she brought her son home? Would she forget the fact that Rey was a deserter? Would the others forget that? Rey felt like she was sweating as she saw people coming up to her. She couldn’t be here. 

 

Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. “You should probably go up there and help her.” Kylo said blandly. 

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

“She’s about to have a panic attack.” Kylo said, “Gods, sometimes I really wonder why she picked you guys over me.” Rey shot him back a dirty look and he shut up. Rose was there in another second, letting them focus on Kylo as quietness and cruelty overtook the crowd. Shouting that he was a murderer and all that. 

 

“You don’t have to see that,” Rose said, “Let me show you the garden instead. It’s nice and it’s away from people.” Rey wanted to throw up, but she pretended to be excited and relaxed. For Rose. 


	12. waiting for doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I made it shorter again, but mostly because I didn't want to drag this out and want to make this as concise of a fic as possible. Hope you like, and I will update after five comments. Remember I will also be doing a amnesia!rey fic. Hope you will read that too! I'm excited, I really loved this fanfiction.

Ben knew that he would have to face his mother eventually, but that didn’t make waiting for that to happen any better. Poe was sitting across from him. “The Order is done,” He told him, “Hux is dead and your Empire is no more,” Ben didn’t say anything. “You have nothing more to fight for.” 

 

“I’m glad the Order is over,” Ben said. “I wasn’t a good leader anyways.” He closed his eyes, knowing that he had just given Poe some more ammunition to ridicule him with. He was so tired. His ribs hurt. “Can I talk to Rey?” 

 

“She’s not talking to you ever again, buddy.” He told him. “You messed her up really bad.” 

 

_ Rey was bleeding on the ground when Finn had found her. Poe was right around the corner. She was nowhere near dead, but she was still out of it. The scars were self inflicted.  _

 

 

“I didn’t mean to,” Kylo said. “I never meant to hurt her.” 

 

“You broke her ribs once,” 

 

“She split my face open.” 

“You abducted her and interrogated her. You tortured her.” 

 

“Did she really tell you that?”  _ No.  _ Rey’s voice said in his head.  _ They just sort of assumed. I didn’t correct because that would be odd.  _ “I didn’t lay a finger on her.” 

 

“Wow, such a gentleman.” Poe rolled his eyes. 

 

“Why are you so invested in Rey anyways?” Kylo said. “You know she never talked about you.” He felt like he was pushing buttons, it was enjoyable, especially because he knew that he was going to die soon enough. “Not when we were together. It was always the traitor, the stormtrooper.”  _ You know what his name is.  _ “Never you.” 

 

“We met a lot later than when she met Finn.” 

 

“You like her.” 

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Poe said. “I know that she would never like me back. You’ve stolen her heart for some reason.” 

 

Ben couldn’t really accept that. “Can you do me one favor?” He said. 

 

“Why would I ever do you a favor?” 

 

“Remember when we were friends and you had gone out on a frozen lake and nearly died until I pulled you out with the force and saved you?” Poe rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. He remembered, clearly. “Well just remember that. Look out for Rey. I’m going to get the death penalty after all, and I don’t want her to be upset about that. She wanted to try and save me and just tell her that that didn’t matter. She did make a few moments of my life a lot better than others. That’s what matters.” 

 

Poe was silent for a while before saying, “Wow, so you actually do care about her. You know, maybe in another life you actually could have been redeemed.” 

 

“Yeah. Maybe in another life.” Someone knocked on the door and Poe opened it. It was Leia. 

 

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Poe said. He left straight after that. Leia looked tired, and like she had been crying for a while. Kylo didn’t say anything when she came in the room and sat down. He couldn’t say anything. What was he supposed to say?  _ Hi mom, sorry for killing Han. That wasn’t my finest hour.  _

 

“I thought that you were dead,” Leia said. 

 

“I wish I was.” 

 

“Don’t say that.” 

 

“It’s true. It has been for a long time.” He knew that it would only make Leia worse. “I guess it’ll be easier to give me the death penalty that way.” 

 

“We don’t know that that’s going to happen.” Leia told him. “And Rey already told me that she doesn’t want you to die. Despite everything that’s happened.” Despite everything that’s happened. He deserved that. 

 

“I’m tired. I deserve to die. I’ve killed so many people. It’s the only justice that anyone can go to.” 

 

“That’s not true. If you do time then that is also justice. You can better yourself, Ben.” 

 

“I killed Han, I killed my father, how am I supposed to come back from that? How am I supposed to live with  _ Snoke’s voice in my head every damn day?  _ How am I supposed to live with the fact that I caused you or Rey so much hurt?”  _ I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. I was mad and I won’t forget what you did but I—  _ Ben shut her out. He couldn’t deal with this anymore. With the guilt. 

 

“Ben, the fact that you regret everything means that you have come back from that. We can get you into therapy. We can give you visits with Rey. You can live again.” 

 

“You shouldn’t have forgiven me. You or Rey. Just walk away and close the door and pretend your son died a long time ago. That way when they put me to death you won’t have to cry. I don’t want to be the source of your pain anymore.”  _ I forgive you.  _ “Just walk away.” 

* * *

  
  


Rey didn’t stop feeling disoriented until she was in her own room and she took a shower. Her hands were shaking and she felt so weak. So, so weak. She hated it. She hated it so much. She missed isolation and life being simple. She didn’t know how to explain it to anyone and she didn’t want to. But she opened the bond between her and Kylo. He was in a cell now with an IV stuck in his arm. They had given him enough tranquilizer to sedate a horse. She didn’t know how he was still awake. “You know I think they think I’m putting on an act.” Kylo said. “All this stuff wasn’t really necessary. They’re trying to put me under until the trial but it really isn’t working.”

 

“You look like you’re going to be sick.” 

 

“Getting sedated and not having any food in your system will do that to you.” He said. 

 

“I can get you food.” 

 

“Nah,” He was really out of it. He was laughing. “I don’t— why are you still trying to help me?” 

 

“Do you really not know?” Rey said. 

 

“Enlighten me, sweetheart?” Rey sat down on the bed that he was chained to, positioning herself in his lap. “I’m not that smart when it comes to things like social interactions and relationships.” 

 

“Because despite the fact that you’re a dick, I love you.” She didn’t know what the reaction was. His face was blank, due to all the drugs. “I love you a lot. And I think that you have a chance to redeem yourself and I don’t want you to die. I don’t want you to die and I never have, all I ever want is for you to be happy.” 

 

“I would be just fine, dying.” Ben said. “Because that means that I wouldn’t hurt you anymore. I love you too much to watch my own mistakes hurt you anymore.” 


	13. we save each other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, last update for today! I'll update after five comments. Sorry for bombarding you, I'm just excited to finish this.

Rey wished that she could cry. She wanted to tell him that he wasn’t the only reason for her pain, there was so much there in her past that gave her pain. So much that she couldn’t pin down just one thing that made her break. Kylo was the least of her pain. She still had dreams of being with him. “Remember when I told you that it was okay if you never redeemed yourself. That I would see you in the next life and I would tell you that it’s okay. That I love you no matter what and the only thing that mattered was the fact that you made me feel good. Even if it was for a short amount of time?” He looked spaced out, but he nodded. 

“Well I guess that I lied, because uhm, I can’t lose you. I don’t want to lose you and it’s fucking selfish of you to just want to die because you want to escape the shit that you’ve done. I want you, Ben. And I don’t want to feel alone. If you died, I would be alone.” 

“No you wouldn’t.” Ben shook his head. “You have friends, Rey. Finn, Poe, Rose, Leia, Jessika. I’m sure there’s more. That annoying soccer ball that pilot calls a droid. Chewie. I can go on.” 

“You don’t understand. You don’t love me like the—” 

“Don’t you dare ever say that again.” His tone was icy but tired. “Don’t even think that because you know that that is nowhere near true. Do you understand that?” Rey nodded. She was going to cry right now. 

“I’m going to get some sleep.” She said. “You’re going to behave, right?” 

“I don’t have any other choice,” 

“That doesn’t matter. You’ll behave right.” 

“Yes.” He said. “I will. For you.” 

 

* * *

 

Rey knew that she was going to do something about the fact that Kylo was in danger. She just wasn’t sure what yet. She couldn’t let Ben die. She just couldn’t. There was something in Rey that was aching the more she thought about the fact that he could die. She knew that he had done bad, bad things. She remembered all the times that he had scared the shit out of her and her friends. She remembered all the things he had done, and she knew that there wasn’t an excuse for them. 

That didn’t mean that he should give up. Why the fuck did he give up? “Why did you give up?” She turned and he was in her bathroom, sitting down on the same cot with the IV drip in his arm. “Why did you give up? I don’t get it. I don’t get why you are doing this. This isn’t going to help me. This isn’t going to help you! This isn’t going to help your mother.” 

“Sounds like someone could use a breath of fresh air and a ship out of here.” 

 

“Don’t do that.” 

 

“Run away again, Rey. This time I won’t blame you.” 

 

“Fuck you. I can’t just do that and forget all of my problems. I can’t do that!” Rey felt like she was sick to her stomach. “I can’t sit around knowing that there’s something I can do.” 

 

“Don’t you think that maybe I want this?” He said. “To pay for what I’ve done. Maybe death will pay for the hurt I’ve caused.” 

 

“It’ll make it worse.” Rey said. “It’ll make the hurt a lot worse. For me. For your mother. You are all she has.” 

 

“That isn’t much.” 

 

“You’re completely full of fucking shit.” Rey said. “Snoke, or whatever is still in your head affecting your thoughts is full of shit.” 

 

“You need to calm down,” He told her, “you’re shouting and people are going to be concerned.” Rey wished that she could calm down right now. Her heart was racing and she had locked herself in her bathroom, like she had so many times before. “Hey, hey. Get out of the bathroom. Unlock the door and get out of the bathroom. Get away from anything sharp, Rey.” 

 

“I feel like I’m going to throw up.” 

 

“Is there a trash can in your bedroom?” She nodded. “Go there.” She went into the bedroom and pulled out the trash can. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. “Rey, what’s your favorite color?” 

“You already know that,” 

 

“Just tell me,” 

 

“It’s green.” 

 

“Okay, good. Tell me five things that are green that are your favorite color.” 

 

“What’s the point of it?” 

 

_ “What’s your favorite color?” Leia asked.  _

_ “You know my favorite color, mom.”  _

_ “Just tell it to me.”  _

_ “Blue,”  _

_ “Tell me some things that are blue.” She said.  _

_ “The sea.”  _

 

“Just tell me one thing that’s green.” 

 

“Trees,” 

 

“Like Takodana,” 

 

“Like Takodana.” 

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about that though, something else. Tell me something else.” 

 

“I remember the first thing that I saw were trees, but I had never even seen grass before. Never seen moss or leaves or vines.” She gripped the edge of the trash can as her breathing started to normalize. “I don’t know why I would always love it, even though it made me so scared. Seeing new things. It was like an overload of sensory images.” 

 

“I bet me chasing after you didn’t help that very much.” 

 

“Don’t give yourself that much credit.” Rey smirked. “You can’t scare me like that.” 

 

“Huh,” He said. “Good, I guess.” 

 

“You have to let me save you,” She turned around to him. “Please just let me save you.” 

 

“Isn’t that where we started this problem?” He asked her. “The pressure, the unfair amount of pressure that was on you. I don’t want to be that for you anymore.” 

 

“You won’t.” Rey said. “As long as you promise me one thing,” 

 

“What? What do you want me to promise you, Rey?” 

 

“That you’ll try.” She said. “Try to live. Try to be happy.” 

 

“Only if you do the same.” 

 

“Then we have a deal,” Rey said. “We’ll save each other.” 


	14. A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter left! hope you guys like! Will be updating after five comments like usual! look out for my fic: where do we go? coming out in two weeks, in which Rey loses her memories! I'm so excited and I hope you guys will like it!

Rey wasn’t kidding when she said that she would save him, and part of that chilled him to the very bone. He wondered why she was taking all these risks for him, and wondered why she would possibly sacrifice her friends. “You know why she would do that,” 

“You again.” He said. “When will you learn that I don’t want you here.” Luke sighed as well as a force ghost could sigh. 

“Hello to you too, Kid. I want to tell you something. The reason that Rey’s going to do this.” 

“Yeah, what’s that.” 

“She doesn’t want to feel alone anymore, and she wants you. You understand that loneliness better than anyone else in her life. Believe it or not, despite everything that you’ve done wrong to her, you helped her fight belonging.” Ben blinked. “Do you not feel it when you two are together? You balance the force. If you die, the force is torn further apart than it should, if you die without Rey. It works the other way too, Rey dies and the force is ripped apart even further than it should be if you don’t die together.” 

“So basically I shouldn’t die because of your belief system.” 

“You believe in the balance of the force too, kid. I know you do. I’ve heard you say it.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever old man.” 

“It’s all about the method. Maybe that method means your happiness. Think about that. Think about it, really. Please. If not for me than for Han.” 

“Don’t mention him.” 

“Hey, you know I’ve seen him in the afterlife. People without the force can’t materialize here, but he recognized your pain. He died because he wanted you to be happy. I’m just sorry that I made the mistake of contributing to your anger. I shouldn’t have done that and I failed you. I failed you so badly and I am so sorry for that. You deserve better. You deserve Rey. You deserve her.” 

* * *

 

“I need you to promise me that even you say no to the favor that I am about to ask of you you do not alert anyone else of this.” She asked Rose. 

“Are you okay, Rey?” 

“Yeah,” Rey said, “I just… I have a feeling that Ben is going to be used as an example, that he’s going to be killed and I know that he’s done a lot of really bad shit but I just I can’t have that happen.” Rose was silent, but she knew what she was thinking. Rey still loved him. Rose was right about that. “I need someone to help me break him out and take me with him without making it seem like I purposely broke him out. I have an idea but it requires at least two more people than what I have and I promise, Rose that I will keep him as far away from society and kill him myself if he gets dangerous again but I just, I can’t let him die. Not like this. He’s going to be alone when they give him the sentence, and I don’t want him to be alone.” 

“Okay,” She didn’t think that Rose would agree to such a thing, “I’m assuming you aren’t telling Finn or Poe this because they both hate him.” 

“Right,” 

“I won’t tell them either, Rey. But does Ben want you to do this?” 

“Yes,” Rey said. “I convinced him.” 

“Okay, if you’re sure this is right. Who else is working?” 

“Chewbacca knows some people from a few gangs that were good friends of Han and Lando Calrissian still owed him a favor too.” 

“So what are you going to do?” 

“There’s going to be a staged attack. They’re going to take me and Ben and they’re all going to be dressed like Kanjiklub. Obviously Lando won’t be here because he’ll be too recognizable, but I need you to delay Leia when the time comes.” 

“Okay,” Rose nodded, “I get that. I’ll help.” She said. “Do you have a plan for what’ll happen when people look for you? The war is over, the Resistance has more tech to be able to track you two down.” 

“Believe me,” Rey said, “I know this will be hard but I get it. I know how to get them off our trail though.” 

“When is this attack taking place?” 

“Tomorrow,” Rey said. 

“No one is going to get hurt, right?” 

“Right, as long as Poe doesn’t do anything stupid.” 

“Well Poe is known for doing stuff that’s stupid. I’ll see if I can distract him long enough to let you two go. But you  know what, Rey.”

“What?” 

“You better fucking comm this time,” Rey bit her lip. 

“Do you know how scared Finn and Poe were when you disappeared out of nowhere with no note? How scared I was? We all thought that you were dead, and it drove Ben insane too, not knowing where you were.” 

“He didn’t tell me about that. But I know that it was wrong and I know that I should have told some people where I was. I really wasn’t in the right state of mind but now I promise that I will tell you guys when I’m safe. Just as long as this goes right, Rose.” 

“Fine.” 

 

* * *

 

It was tomorrow. Rey was still awake in her bed when the bond opened between her and Ben. “Get the fuck away from me.” He seemed fully awake. The sedatives had worn down and someone was trying to chance them. He felt like he was panicking. Then she saw why, they were increasing dosage.  _ No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening right now.  _ Rey had to stop herself from having a panic attack before her voice came out even and cool. 

“You will not increase the dosage of the sedatives given to the prisoner.” It was a long shot, but suddenly the man in front of her had his shoulders slump. Rey felt blood dripping down her nose. She could taste in her mouth. 

“I will not increase the dosage of sedatives given to the prisoner.” 

“In fact, you will decrease the dosage of sedatives given to the prisoner.” 

“I will decrease the dosage of sedatives given to the prisoner.” She watched as he did so and Ben calmed down and watched him leave. 

“How did you do that through the bond?” Rey fell back into her bed. 

“I don’t know.” she said. “But that doesn’t matter. Get some sleep, Ben. Tomorrow is going to be really busy,”


	15. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be honest; I was really nervous to finish this because I wasn't sure that it was that great, but I really hope you like this really fluffy ending. To be honest when I started this out it was going to have a really angsty ending but it changed. Thank you so much for reading! If you like my stuff, here's my plan for my future fics: 
> 
> where do we go? - Rey Amnesia AU  
> bury a friend? - Space Demons, Dark Rey  
> i wanna end me- Dark Rey vs Supreme Leader Kylo Ren AU
> 
> Check out my other ongoing WIPS as well!

 

It all happened methodically. The first thing to be attacked was a significant way away from the base, where no real harm that could be done. It was a distraction, and it did just what Rey had wanted it to. About ten Resistance soldiers peeled away from the building. Then another attack a few miles in the other direction. Ten more left. Rose was talking Leia’s head off as she was trying to focus. She had always been good at that. Rey moved backwards towards the cells, the third attack actually shook the building, and everyone else was in chaos. No one was actually going to get hurt, but it gave her enough time to get to the place she needed to be. She blew the lock open with a blaster. Kylo was laying in the cot they had put him in looking more awake than he had been the past two days. 

 

“Am I going to assume the blaster fire going on outside is a distraction?” Rey grinned as she disabled his cuffs and took out the IV in his arm. 

 

“You’d assume right if you did.” 

 

“So, you get me out, where do we go after that?” 

 

“We can go wherever you want,” She said. “I’ll follow you anywhere.” She meant it when she said it too. She wasn’t scared, not this time. She knew what she needed and nothing was going to change her mind. “There’s going to be people that are going to pretend to kidnap us, pretend to go willingly. Okay? That’s the only way that this is going to work.” 

 

“Okay,” He said, “I trust you.” 

* * *

  
  


He trusted her. He really trusted her, and this time, he knew that he was right to as well. Something that Luke said stuck with him, he deserved to finally have happiness, and Luke was sorry. He was so done with being angry for what happened to him for the longest time. Maybe the fact that the one person he had looked for validation in the most in his childhood years did something to help him go ahead and trust Rey. Rey was good at staging an attack, apparently. And acting. 

  
She had pretended to dislocate her shoulder, crying out in pain. “Don’t fucking touch her.” Ben had said. He wasn’t sure that he was too convincing, but Rey told him that he just had to be convincing enough for the security cameras. 

 

Rey and Ben were pushed throughout the hallway and pulled out of the way when blasters popped up. The two of them got pushed into corridors when that happened.  _ You really planned all of this.  _

 

_ Yes I did.  _

 

_ You’re about as extra as I am.  _

 

_ I’ll take that as a compliment.   _

* * *

  
  


**_Two Years Later_ **

 

It was raining outside. Rey loved that, and Ben knew that she did. He watched her get up to watch the rain, getting up shortly after her. “You should get back to sleep.” He told her. “You deserve it.” He pressed a kiss into her neck lightly, knowing when it was better to keep gentle with her. 

 

“Just a few more minutes,” She said, “I thought that after the first time I saw it, I would get over it but I don’t think that I will.” 

 

“That’s understandable, I think that we take the rain for granted.” He said. “I think that I appreciate it more with you, though.” Rey had a wisp of a smile on her face as he held her in his arms. “You make me appreciate a lot of things more when I’m with you.” 

 

“You’re too sweet,” Rey said.

 

“You deserve all the sweetness in the world.” Rey groaned when he pressed two more kisses into her neck. He tried to not let her see his thoughts, about the ring that he was saving for her, when he was going to pop the question. It was so hard not to think about that right now, though.

 

* * *

 

“They’re taking Rey!” Finn shouted. He didn’t seem to be too concerned about the fact that Ben was being dragged along too, but Rey knew that no one would really care what happened to him. So long as people thought that Kylo Ren was dead. They got caught at the end of the hallway before the hangar, and Finn was pointing a blaster at Lando’s head. Rey knew that he wouldn’t know that. She was glad that she had made sure that everyone had voice modulators. 

 

“Drop the gun or I’ll blow the girl’s head off.” He said. He tightened his grip around her and Rey pretended like she was struggling even though she wasn’t. It was all a necessary part of an act, but she didn’t anticipate how guilty she would feel about lying to him. 

 

“Rey, Rey. You have to fight back. I know you can fight back, Rey.” She just pretended like she was frozen, and started pretending to panic. She had been through enough panic attacks that she could feign the things so much so that they would look convincing. 

 

“Finn, please just listen.” 

 

“Rey, you have to fight back.” 

 

“Finn. Please. Just do what he said.” The force was enough to help her get away. They left the planet long before they could start to get chased. Rey and Ben sat together for a long time before Ben started to speak again. 

 

“Having second thoughts?” 

 

“No,” Rey said. “Never in a million years.” 

 

“You sure?” 

 

“I’m sure.” 

* * *

 

**_Two Years Later_ **

 

Rey and Ben were pressed against each other as he read a holopad to her. She closed her eyes and listened to him talk. The rain was still pouring and Rey had never felt so relaxed before. He stopped though, and said, “I have a thing to tell you.” Ben said. 

“Hmm?” 

 

“You gotta open your eyes and turn around.” She did, staring at Ben. 

 

“What do you want?” She said. 

 

“A lot of things,” Ben said, “I know that I can’t have all of them, but there was one thing that Luke said to me two years ago that still sticks with me to this day.” Rey didn’t know what to expect. Luke could be great sometimes and be horrible others. She assumed that this time would be good. “He told me that i deserved my happiness, which was weird considering everything that happened, but it was just like the one person that I was sure would never believe that I could have forgiveness finally told me that. He said that I deserved you.” Rey was going to open her mouth to say something but Ben kept talking. “He said that I deserved you, and I don’t know how long it will take me to believe that. You are too good to me, and you’ve been too good to me for a long time, Rey. I never thought that I knew how to love someone until I met you, and I never came close to even being confident in myself until I met you.” 

 

She wasn’t sure what was going to happen next until it did. She watched as he got down on his knees and pulled a ring out of his pocket. “Will you marry me?” He asked.

 

There was only one way she could answer that question. “Yes.”

 


End file.
